i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
