Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
