there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
