I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
