I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
