well I can't set my house on fire every night
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
