My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
