I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
