man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
