Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
