when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
