i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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