I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
too bad you live with your parents still
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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