Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
