i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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