i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
