I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
