last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
