I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
