I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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