You can't motorboat a personality
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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