Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
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I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
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