Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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