i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
