Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
