I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
