There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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