Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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