im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Who died my cat blue again?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
