"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
