My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
