I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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