I'm jealous of your bromance
Someone shit on the floor
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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