Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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