Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Randomize
