It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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