The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
did i walk over a car last night?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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