Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
