What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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