the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
