A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
