I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
