i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
