Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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