remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
