Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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