Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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