well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
