Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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