Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
