phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
