i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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