Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
